Sky Mall: More Non Solutions to Problems that Never Existed

Hello Readers. I know it's been, as Audris said, "Ten Years" since my last post. And I apologize. I will make more of an effort to prioritize Blogging above all else.

Since I am a little rusty, and I refuse to blog about the time a dirty gym sock was stuffed in my mouth (but if you catch me live, I'm sure with a little arm twisting that story will come right out), I fall back on old faithful: Sky Mall.

Check this New (!) product out: The "Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier":



















WHAT, pray tell, is "stealth" OR "secret" about this device?

The ad CLEARLY states that it measures 3 3/4"H x 3 1/2"W x 1 1/4D". Even if you're Michael Phelps (God bless him), there is no way that the Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier can be any LESS than 80% of your entire EAR.

Oh, what I wouldn't give to be a synapse in that woman's brain as that lecherous cad looms closer.

Second: "The Pizza Pro"!!!


Readers, can you help me think through this? I went over the hypothetical logistics of owning the Pizza Pro, and I just can't wrap my bird brain around it.

Step One: You cut a hole in the box. Oh wait, that's a different set of directions. Ok. Step One: you cut through the pizza pie.

Step Two: You pull the Pizza Pro away from the pie and you move it to the left 3 inches. Wait no. You move it to the RIGHT three inches if the spatula is affixed to the LEFT of the scissors. You move it to the LEFT if the spatula is .... Gosh darnit. What's wrong with an ordinary pizza cutter. And let's face it. When does pizza ever not come already cut into 8 slices? When you think you're Mario Batali, that's when! And if you're a 300 pound Italian celebra-chef, you probably shouldn't be eating pizza anyway.










(Mario straddling a chair. Wearing clogs. MUST. LOOK. AWAY. *Shudder*)