guess the closed captioning!

A few weeks ago I was in Chicago on a business trip. There are exactly three reasons why I HEART Chicago. (1) the toilets at O'Hare airport have SaniSeat (http://www.saniseat.com/). What is SaniSeat? Only the greatest invention dedicated to the prevention and eradication of feces and urine borne diseases. (2) Chicago’s relative lack of edgy fashion sense means that I can find good stuff in the Sale section of Urban Outfitters (yes, I am 30 years old and I still shop at UO). (3) Ummmmmmm. Oh, did I say I had THREE reasons? I actually meant two. The Saniseat counts for a lot, though.

After a day of meetings, (I stayed at the Drake Hotel where they charge you $10 to USE THE GYM. Don't stay there) I was ready to go to for a run on an artificially monitored and perfectly flat surface, aka a treadmill. And I was simply DELIGHTED to see that my workout coincided with the best of Celebrity TV Journalism available: Showbiz Tonight.

My 45 minute run never flew by faster.

It wasn’t the celebrity va-jay jay flashing contest that kept my mind off of the mind normally mind-numbingly boring run, it wasn’t the break up of Terry and Linda Hogan (I predict that it’s a publicity stunt; they’ll be back together soon), it wasn’t even commentary on J-Lo and her shopping spree for baby clothes. It was the CLOSED CAPTIONING that kept me in stitches. Ok, so for Live Programming such as Showbiz Tonight (p.s. I can’t say “such as” without thinking of Miss Teen South Carolina. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you're living in a hole) the soundtrack is transcribed by an operator using a stenotype or a stenomask. The phonetic output is instantly translated into text. INSTANTLY. Why is this important? Because this means that a *lot* of mistakes occur.

Let's play a game! Guess the Closed Captioning:

What I Read:
HELL, I'm a Hamster, broadcasting tights and VERY TIGHT from New York City.
Hi dear, everyone. I'm Broke and Son, coming twight from Hollywood! And TWIGHT, weave got opera with fries concessions-- having enough AIR under her men decal crisis. But can OPERA reeling do anything rung? THAT's coming oop!

What Was Said:
HAMMER: Hello, I`m A.J. Hammer, broadcasting tonight and EVERY NIGHT from New York City.
ANDERSON: Hi there, everyone, I`m Brooke Anderson, coming to you tonight from Hollywood. And TONIGHT, we`ve got Oprah Winfrey`s confessions -- having an affair, her medical crisis. But can OPRAH really do anything wrong? THAT’S coming up!

What I Read:
Well, come back to Showbz TIGHT, Tee Vee's most pro vacuum est internment new show. I'm Brook Anderson and Hollywood. Hay, looks like we'll get some may soon be working on a new phelgm, he has made a rare pub lick peer ancela at the cream EAR of "Marrya Gang Stir", starring his end, Russl Crow and then zellington. Showbz TIGHT asked well when he'd be doing mother movie and he said, quote "PRRRRRETTY
SPOON!!"

What Was Said:
ANDERSON: Welcome back to SHOWBIZ TONIGHT, TV`s most provocative entertainment news show. I`m Brooke Anderson in Hollywood. Hey, it looks like Mel Gibson may soon be working on a new film, he has made a rare public appearance last night at the premiere of "American Gangster," starring his friend, Russell Crowe and Denzel Washington. SHOWBIZ TONIGHT asked Mel when he`d be doing another movie and he said, quote, "PRETTY SOON."

And I am *pretty sure* that the only time I laughed harder in the gym was the time my trainer's spandex split as he was showing me how to do lunges and his bum squirted out of his unitard like jelly out of an overstuffed donut.