wax on, wax off

i just got an email from a friend. men may not want to read this. it involves hair removal. come to think of it, women may not want to read it either. but what the heck! i'll post it anyway. i took out some of the words to make it less graphic and more mad libby.

here's the email:

"First of all, I haven't had a wax in awhile. Fair enough, & you know how [insert color here] people have a LOT of [insert body accoutrement here], not like our friends in the rest of [insert country here]. So the Eastern [insert country here] [insert noun here] comes in, & she's like, "oh no you've never been waxed? We have to [insert verb here]." I was like, I've been waxed, just not in awhile. She says, "Oh, you have to wait maximum [insert number here] weeks between each waxing. I will have to [insert verb here]. So she gets out [insert common household tool here] & literally [insert verb here] my hair down there. I've NEVER had any one do that! So I'm already thinking this is a little weird. But I'm like, ok fine.

Other things she said/did during the course of the waxing:

1. She kept saying "good [insert noun here]." I think she doesn't speak English so well. One time she said "ok baby".

2. After she pulled off the [insert noun here] she set it down in between my [insert body part here, plural]. So by the end of the waxing it was as though I had pooped out an entire pile of [insert noun here].

3. She made me get up off the [insert furniture piece here] immediately when the wax was done so she could remove the pile of [insert noun here] asap.

4. On her left hand she was wearing a plastic [insert noun here]. It would accummulate [insert noun here], but she would still hold my [insert body part here] taut with that hand. So after she removed a strip of wax there was an additional moment of pain when she had to remove her hand from my body. It hurt more than the regular strips because it had old [insert noun here] on it!

5. When she put the [insert noun here] on me she patted it down and said "do you feel like a baby when I do that hahaha?"

6. MOST SHOCKINGLY: when she was almost finished she was more deeply in my "area" than any one's been for a long time, & definitely more deeply than any waxer has been ... & she goes, "ok just a little [insert type of shrubbery here] now, almost finished"

At least it was clean but I would NEVER recommend this place!

(ed: i feel traumatized and violated)