IVR.
It stands for "interactive voice response". From Wiki, it is "a phone technology that allows a computer to detect voice and touch tones using a normal phone call. The IVR system can respond with pre-recorded or dynamically generated audio to further direct callers on how to proceed. IVR systems can be used to control almost any function where the interface can be broken down into a series of simple menu choices. Once constructed IVR systems generally scale well to handle large call volumes."
I have problems with this definition.
First of all, it should stand for "irritating & vapid robot-answerer". Or something like that. Second of all, it has never proven to me to be a system that has directed me on how to proceed. If anything, it has only heightened my creativity for using expletives and rude hand gestures towards inanimate objects, i.e., my cell phone.
A real life example:
Irene: (internal monologue) "shit, I'm going to miss my flight! Why didn't I take the subway to the airport…american airlines 800 number, please come through for me…"
IVR: (overly enthusiastically) HI!!!! I'm Claire!! Thanks for calling AMEEEEERICAN AIRLINES. Are you calling about a NEW reservation, an EXISTING reservation, or OTHER?
Irene: existing reservation
Claire: (contritely) I'm sorry, but I did not understand you.
Irene: EXISTING RESERVATION
Claire: (contritely) I'm sorry, but
Irene: boooooooooooooop! (That's the sound of Irene pressing "O")
Claire: (contritely with a touch of controlled panic to feign urgency) I'm SORRY, but I didn't understand…
Irene: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!
Claire: (hopefully) Let's try this again. Are you calling about a
Irene: EXISTING
Claire: (encouragingly) I THINK I heard you say "Existing" is this correct?
Irene: correct
Claire: I'm sorry, I think I heard you say "correct". Is this correct?
Irene : YES.
Claire: (happily) OK! Great! Now, do you have a record locator or flight number?
Irene: NO. I AM RUNNING THROUGH THE STREETS OF MANHATTAN WITH A SUITCASE, A SOMBRERO ON MY HEAD, AND ZINC OXIDE ON MY NOSE. DO YOU THINK I HAVE THE FACULTIES TO LOOK FOR MY RECORD LOCATOR OR FLIGHT NUMBER?
Claire: (jovially) Haha. I'm sorry, was that a YES or a NO?
Irene: NO. for god's sake, that was a NO. No. No. no. no.
Claire: (cheerfully) That's OK! Let's try to look up your record by your last name. What is your last name?
Irene: KIM.
Claire: (incredulously) I THINK I heard you say "PIMP"
Irene: WTF? What kind of last name is PIMP? I said KIM! KIM, YOU MORON! KIIIIIMMMM!!!!!
Claire: (sadly) I'm sorry, but I am having a hard time understanding you. Let me connect you to a American Airlines Customer Service Representative.
Irene: Thank You
Claire: (confusedly, but understandingly) You need to poo?
Irene: Fuck you
FYI - link to the worst job in the world:
http://ph.jobstreet.com/jobs/2007/10/j/50/16074.htm?fr=J
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
7 comments:
HA! I just read your whole dialogue out loud to Adam and we are both laughing hysterically!
omg, this is SO true!! ugh. I hate those blasted automated things!
Omg. I HATE Claire. I hate her so much. My trick nowadays is to repeatedly say "agent" or "representative" until she gets annoyed enough with me to give me to a live person.
I fly American all the time, their bots are soooo annoying! I always worry that airport security will think I'm some kind of freak for yelling "AGENT! AGENT! AGENT!" into my phone in the airport terminal.
hahahahah. martin. you made me laugh.
Martin gets annoyed but it works. Keep yelling "agent" and you can bypass Claire completely.
See, I read your blog too!
Post a Comment